Always in motion, the future is.
But so is the present. So is the past. What you think of as the past, is not fact. It is memory. And memories are subject to points of view, conjecture, interpretation. They are merely perception. And like all points of views, conjectures, interpretations and indeed, perceptions, they can change.
Your past can change. As can the present.
And you think to yourself, how could that be? Did things that happen before, actually happen? Or did you remember they happened, merely because you wanted them to? You fill yourself with questions that have no answers. And when the realisation comes, it is a shock to the system that you can barely hope to cope with. Why?
I do not know.
I do not know why events that transpire in the here and now, can change what you thought of what had happened before. I do not know why the fluidty of our consciousness is so malleable, so easily twisted into something else. I do not know why I feel so inclined to throw away all sense of positivity, the moment something insidiously distracting happens.
I suppose I let my past haunt me. I let things that have happened get to me. I feel the agony of pain, and the euphoria of joy, only because I let them happen. It is a consequence, of learning detachment. Of learning to grow old. Of learning to treat both triumph and disaster as the same. Indeed, Rudyard Kipling said it well.The effeversecent enthusiasm of my idealism seems to pale in lieu of my numbness. A numbness brought on by death itself.
I grieve over the death of my youth. I am alive, but I feel dead. In many respects, I suppose I already am. I just haven't gotten round to lying down yet.
There must be hope, many would say. There must be some way of turning this all around, of bringing back the smiles and the laughter. Of bringing back hope and the casual happiness of an uncomplicated life. But what for?
Where is that spark? That flash of inspiration? That small motivation needed to go on, to believe in all that I have stood by. To defend what I know is right. You were there. You were there not so long ago.
When did you die?
